Once upon a time an ever so beautiful princess was blissfully lurking in the woods enjoying the wonders of nature with a genuine smile on her face. Along came a handsome and charming prince and the two instantly fell in love at first sight with a romance like never before. Together they embraced in what is commonly referred to as “true love’s first kiss”. They joyfully left together and eventually married. Thus they lived happily ever after. The end!
Such a scenario is a common trope of fairy tales particularly
Disney movies including Snow White (pictured above), Cinderella, Sleeping
Beauty, the Little Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast. Many of us have probably
developed a preconceived notion from our childhood that we are destined to meet
that special “one person” that we will share a never ending romantic passion with
for all of eternity. Most do not seem to understand that such an expectation is
not only unrealistic but almost if not impossible. As depressing as it may
sound, the truth is that whether we want to accept it or not, is that there is probably
no such thing as true love.
What exactly does one mean by “true love”? A general
commonly accepted definition would be that true love involves a couple who
share a consummate romantic attachment that lasts a lifetime or even more so
forever. Someone’s own true love can be considered a person whom no one else
can be better in comparison towards. A person whom can be commonly thought as a
“soul mate” does not exist due to the nonexistence of perfection. In general nobody
is perfect for anyone. We all may have imagined at some point in our lifetimes
that image of an ideal companion whom we can romance with for as long as we live.
A lot of us strive for impractical relationships that are often delineated in
fairy tales or romantic comedies. The romance and love that we observe in
movies are often exaggerated and fantasized from our creative minds. Romance
does exist but the way it is portrayed in movies particularly Disney films is
often in the highly idealized form of true love. The idea of true love stems
from a premonition that the purpose of our lives is to seek out that one
flawless individual with whom we can share a lifetime of joy and happiness with.
Given the fact that there are billions of human beings living on this planet
and a nearly infinite potential ones from the sequence of the human genome, the
idea of true love makes much less sense since there will always exist another
person who can be another potential soul mate.
Psychologists who specialize in the field of love and
interpersonal relationships have had their say on this subject matter. Former
Yale Professor of Psychology Robert Sternberg has conceptualized his theory of
love by applying a geometric visualization of a triangle. In developing his
theory, Sternberg has broken up the abstraction of love and interpersonal relationships
on the basis of three defining factors: passion, intimacy, and commitment. The central
notion behind Sternberg’s triangular theory of love is that a relationship
that’s based on one factor is less likely to survive in the long term than
another which is based on more factors.
In the triangular visualization above, the three elements of love which include passion, intimacy, and commitment can blend together into several combinations. A connection based upon any of these elements individually is less meaningful and unlikely to endure as time progresses. Intimacy would mean liking as in a simple friendship. Infatuation refers to a passionate feeling one develops towards another. Empty love is a love in which the passion and intimacy have disappeared and only commitment has survived. In combining these components, romantic love is the result of passion and intimacy merging together. Companionate love involves only intimacy and commitment. Fatuous love combines passion and commitment. Within the heart of his triangular theory of love, Sternberg has formulated an ideal and complete form of relationship known as consummate love. Often identified with the “perfect couple” or more commonly known as “true love”, consummate lovers have all the three components of intimacy, passion, and commitment together which assists their relationship to endure onward for a long time possibly even a lifetime. Couples who are identified in a “consummate love” are probably extremely rare to come across. An important note is that Sternberg himself mentions that maintaining a consummate love is even harder than achieving it. As Sternberg cautions without expression “even the greatest of loves can die”. True love from Sternberg’s triangular theory would clearly fit with the definition of consummate love. While Sternberg has established his triangular theory of love, applying it in the real world may not be plausible. A relationship is much more than just these three factors. Trust, communication, goals, dreams, aspirations, and even lifestyle are other potential factors that are important to maintaining a successful interpersonal relationship. Given the many factors that arise in a relationship it is impossible for two people to have everything in common. As mentioned before, perfection does not exist. No one can be perfect for you.
Consider the following imaginary situation as an example.
John is a businessman who lives in England. One day he
travels to Italy for a conference. During his visit he meets a woman named
Sarah and the two instantly are found to have a lot in common. They date for a
few years and their relationship enhances. The two eventually marry and start a
family. They remain strongly in love with a powerful romance until death had
done them apart. They were considered by many including themselves to be complete
“true lovers” and that their romance was reminiscent of the fairy tale story of
Cinderella.
One could argue that yes, John and Sarah’s story was akin to
a classic fairy tale romance and that they were indeed “true lovers” much like
Snow White and her beloved Prince Charming. However critically speaking, if one
were to argue that position, one must believe that it is not possible that any other
woman who currently exists, had existed before in the past, or will ever exist
in the future, will be an even better match for John than Sarah. If Sarah was
indeed John’s “true lover”, no woman could possibly be more compatible with John!
The same thought applies with Sarah. If John is Sarah’s “true lover”, then no
man who exists at the moment, had existed before, or has yet to exist will be
better for her. The very concept and idea of “true love” shuts off the
possibility that there could be someone else out there in the vast ocean or who
will one day exist in a different time era that is even more compatible to you romantically.
The imagined situation raises a variety of questions that
one can conjecture. What if John never met Sarah
in the first place? What if Sarah was born five hundred years earlier than John
or came into exist thousands of years in the far future? Or what if either of
them never existed? Would that mean that John or Sarah could not have found
someone else as their “true love”? The answer must surely be no. It is
completely possible that there is another woman out there in the world amongst
the several billions who is just as or even more compatible with John than
Sarah. The fact is that John was not fortunate enough to meet another potential
“true lover” if not for Sarah.
Or even consider the example of Snow White. What if Prince
Charming too never met Snow White? What if the wicked Queen had succeeded in
her evil scheme to murder Snow White with an impenetrable spell that even
Prince Charming was incapable of breaking with the so-called “true love’s”
first kiss? What if it was revealed that the two later on broke up after they
reportedly lived “happily ever after”? The most plausible answer is that even
if Snow White never met Prince Charming, she could have met another “prince
charming” who is even more compatible romantically with her. If the two never
met, they could both still have found someone else on their own. If Snow White
was incapable of being revived when Prince Charming kissed her, he could have
found another princess and he would have arguably been as happy off as he had
been with Snow White.
Let’s take the presumption that Snow White and Prince
Charming together are true lovers and in fact soul mates. If that is the case then
how long would their romantic passion last? What if both of them lived together
for millions of billions of years assuming they were immortal? Would they still
have the same romance as they did when they first started off? Would they still
kiss, hug, or even make love with the same joy and happiness? How long could romantic passion last in a
relationship? These questions have no complete answers and are open ended with
many different viewpoints.
There are more than seven billion humans on this planet.
Even so, many more billions have existed ever since our species came into its
current form in the past 200,000 years. There is a great possibility that many
more billions or trillions of humans will exist in the far distant future
especially if our civilization spreads outward towards the stars in the galaxy.
Even more astonishing is this interesting phenomenon.
The human genome accord to geneticists contains about three
billion nucleotides. Of those several billion nucleotides, approximately 1 in a
1000 (0.1%) separates each individual from the other leaving about three million
nucleotides that defines each unique human being. Mathematically the total
possible number of human beings that could exist in terms of different
arrangements or combinations of DNA is astronomically high. It is prodigiously
larger than all the atoms in the known universe. The number of different human
beings that could theoretically exist in terms of DNA sequencing is an unfathomably
and inconceivable number.
When one looks at the concept of “true love” from this
genomic perspective, the idea makes no sense because it is a hundred percent
possible that there is another greater “true lover” and even another out of the
nearly infinite number of different potential human beings that are
theoretically allowed by the different unique arrangements of human DNA.
Each and every one of us exists for a limited time here in
this world. Our days are numbered. We do not have time to meet every single
person amongst the billions that exist for it will take many lifetimes. Furthermore
it is impossible to meet every single potential human that could ever exist simply
because the number of humans allowed by the genome of our DNA is much larger
than what the human mind can conceive. When finding a potential lifelong
partner or spouse, we seek to find that one person who is the most compatible
amongst all others that we have met during the course of our lifetime. In the
end no matter which person one ends up with, there will always be someone out
there in the vast ocean who is even more compatible than the individual in
which one shares a romantic and companionate bond with.
True love in the crudest terms exists predominantly in the
realm of human imagination. It is not reality but rather a mere childlike
fantasy. Of course, others may disagree with this position and might strongly believe in the existence of a quintessential romantic companion. However if one thinks
critically, the so-called myth of the one “true love” or “soul mate” holds the
premise that there is one perfect person out there for each and every one of
us. Believing in such a viewpoint is not only ignorant but highly arrogant and
narrow minded. Saying that someone whom you’re powerfully in love with and have
shared a lifetime of romance together is your true love means that no one else
amongst the billions of humans that have existed or will ever exist can be an
even greater lover for you.
